


What Makes Him Feel Most Alive

by NIGHTMONKEY77



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: "Home Is Where My Horse Is" gets to shine a bit in this fic, Alex has a little sister, All these characters really need hugs, Also the trauma of watching his brothers die in front of him, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Deviated from canon by not having the boys float out of the ambulance and only go to the dark room, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s01e08 Unsaid Emily, Flashbacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Lots of Crying, Luke dropped out of his junior year after running away, Luke's POV, My First Fanfic, Not really graphic descriptions of what the boys are experiencing as they die, Reggie has a little brother and sister in this because I say so, Reggie is scared of the dark, They all died separately and Reggie experienced stuff in the alley alone, Trauma, minor panic attacks from all 3 boys, of Reggie's siblings and him when he was at home, positive non-toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:29:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27598934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NIGHTMONKEY77/pseuds/NIGHTMONKEY77
Summary: "When things got loudOne of us running outI should have turned aroundBut I had too much pride"Luke was halfway out the door before his mother could finish her sentence. Disappearing silently into the night...------A Luke POV one-shot during "Unsaid Emily",  starting from when he runs into Julie on his parent's porch through until they attempt to hold hand's on her porch. Luke's thoughts and experiences seeing his mom receive her song, his POV during the "Unsaid Emily" flashbacks including their fight and seeing his parents from the bushes when he was still alive, the experience of writing the song, what he experienced as he died, and what went down in the 'dark room' where he, Alex, and Reggie wound up, etc.*** I spent so much time watching his fight with his mother, trying to read their lips & figure out exactly what they were talking about, so 98% of what Luke & Emily say to each other during the fight in the story is what I believe are the Canon lines from the show! ***HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY!
Relationships: Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Julia Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Emily Patterson & Luke Patterson & Mitch Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Emily Patterson & Mitch Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina & Luke Patterson, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74





	What Makes Him Feel Most Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to say thanks so very much to Em (@em_23) and Brooklyn (@jatpfan99 on Tumblr) for being betas!!!!!! You two are angels for all the help! :) <3

_Loyalty. Shame. Sorrow._

There were many things that led Luke Patterson to stand on his parent’s front porch one Fall afternoon, as he had done routinely ever since “coming back” from the dead over two weeks ago. The biggest by far had to be his need to see his parents again, after the emotionally charged visit he had paid them on his birthday the week before. He had never felt the need to tell Julie and the guys where he was going whenever he took time to be alone in-between their rehearsals or while waiting for Julie to return from school, after all, this was a very emotionally raw side of him. If the rest of the band had figured out where he was going, they would begin to see Luke as weak and falling apart, a version of himself he had worked hard on stifling in order to appear strong and put together as the band’s de-facto leader. 

Those plans came to a sudden halt when, after “poofing” over as he had done all those times before, he was greeted with the sight of Julie standing at his parent’s front door about to ring the bell. Luke was taken aback, to say the least, as Julie was not supposed to be there and he couldn’t quite figure out just how she had known where his parents lived. Or for that matter, that he was visiting them regularly, when he had done his best to make sure the band was unaware of where he went when he wanted to be alone. Judging by the look on her face, Luke could tell Julie was just as surprised to see him there too and the hint of guilt he saw on her face for a split second led him to believe there were things she was about to tell him that he wasn’t going to be happy to hear. 

“Luke!” Julie began, the shock evident in her voice as she realized she had been caught in the act. 

“What are you doing here?” Luke managed to inquire amid his panicked state.

“Okay, look. I…I just wanted to know more about you, you know, just curious. Uh…” The nervousness in Julie’s voice rising by the second. “So, I came here last week on your birthday.”

“You were spying on me? Even after all your speeches about boundaries. You were spying on me?”

Luke felt a rush of anger and betrayal hearing that Julie had been following him on his birthday and had been witness to something so private between him and his parents. He wondered why she had done it, especially after all she had said to the boys about respect and personal space. 

“I know, I’m sorry. It was wrong.” Guilt lacing Julie’s voice as Luke listened to her side of things. “But I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t have to be.” He implored, attempting to keep the mask covering his emotions and feelings from the outside world in place and his position as the band’s trusted leader intact. 

“I get it. I know how hard it is when you want to speak to someone you love and can’t. I feel that way every day.” 

Luke, blinded by his own pain and sorrow, had forgotten how similar he and Julie’s situations really were. She knew what it was like to want the chance to talk to a parent just one more time, whether it was to apologize for stupid fights in the past or to tell them how much they loved them.

This realization had Luke contemplating what he would say to his mom if ever given the chance to talk to her again since walking out on her and leaving things on bad terms. 

“I don’t even know what I’d say to her, even if she could hear me.”

“Yes, you do. You’ve already said it.” Julie offered, confusing Luke as he couldn’t recall ever telling anyone about the stuff with his mom and all the things would say to her.

Julie’s next words hit Luke like a ton of bricks, but he didn’t have to think about it for long to know his answer, the answer would always be ‘of course’.

“Trust me?” Julie said, looking to Luke for confirmation that she could continue. 

Luke’s permission was given when he nervously reached for the doorbell and using all the focus he could muster, gave it a push. His emotions were going haywire as he joined Julie in waiting for the door to open. Julie was calm and composed, while Luke held back a few feet as though when the door opened, he would be seen and judged for all he had done. 

The moment his father’s face appeared in the doorway, Luke knew things were about to change. Julie was about to enter his world, the one he had kept so secret from the rest of the band, and as she began to speak, he couldn’t help but vibrate with anticipation as his worlds collided. 

“Hello. Can I help you?” His father inquired, upon looking around and only seeing a young girl standing in front of him. 

“Hi. I’m Julie. Um…I believe you had a son named Luke?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

Luke’s eyes wandered rapidly between Julie and his father as they spoke. A flurry of warmth spread through his ghostly body when he saw the tender, but sad look upon his father’s face upon hearing his son’s name again after so long. 

“And you are again?” Questioned his father.

“Julie Molina. Um…your son’s band used to play in my family’s garage.” A quizzical look rising upon the man’s face as he tried to understand just what this girl was getting at and how Luke was connected to all this. “I…I came across this song he wrote and figured you might be interested.” 

Glancing over Julie’s shoulder Luke was shocked to see the song he had written for his mother, not long after running away from home, freshly ripped from his song book and being offered up as a sacrifice of sorts. About to make its way into the hands of the very person he never thought he’d have the chance to give it to when he was alive. He hadn’t known any other way, other than through his music, to express all the things he was feeling and all the words he wanted to say to his mother if he ever saw her again. Back then, his pride kept him from admitting defeat and returning home to face his parents after all he had done. Now, he had realized, with Julie’s help, that he needed to face his fears and his parents again if he was ever going to be able to forgive himself and move on past the things he couldn’t change, no matter how hard he tried. 

“Um. Well, yes. Uh, please…please come in. I’m…I’m Mitch.” Stuttered his father as he ushered Julie inside the house. 

“Nice to meet you.” Responded Julie, before she turned and signaled Luke to come inside, a gesture that meant so much more to him than she could ever imagine. 

Luke hadn’t stepped through the threshold, the “lifer” way, since the day he stormed out of his house and disappeared into the night. Julie offering him a way in, to a certain extent, made it feel like his father had welcomed him home, sins forgotten, even if he would never know his son was present and witness to everything. Though Luke had been back inside his home many times since coming back as a ghost, there was something about this instance and that fact that Julie was present that made it seem more real and raw. 

“Can I, um, get you something?” Mitch asked, as the trio made their way into the den. 

“Oh, no. I’m good. Thank you.” Julie replied, glancing around the room attempting to take it all in and see just what it was like for Luke growing up here. Her eyes darting to a framed picture that Luke knew all too well situated with other family photos and the family bible. “Is this your son?”

“Yeah, that’s Luke. When he was two.” Answered Mitch. Luke froze then, watching as a look of longing and love crossed his father’s face. 

“Do you have any other children?”

“No.” A worn down Mitch replied. 

The tell-tale sound of his mother’s shoes on the hardwood floor alerted Luke to her presence right away, before she appeared in the kitchen entryway and made her way over to her husband. 

“Did I hear the doorbell?” 

“Hi, hon. Um, this is Julie.” Mitch answered. 

“Hello, Julie.” His mother’s face, full of warmth and kindness, smiled bright as she stepped forward to greet Julie. “Oh, that’s a beautiful sweater.” 

“Thanks. It’s my mom’s.” Julie said, the same look of longing and love on her face Luke had seen from his father mere moments ago. 

“Julie lives in the house where Luke and the band rehearsed. She was just telling me she found a song that Luke wrote.” Mitch offered to his wife, seeing the confusion still evident on her face behind the smile. 

“It’s a song about a girl named Emily.” 

“Emily.” Whispered Mitch, shocked upon hearing of the song’s subject matter. 

“Oh,” gasped Luke’s mother, shakily replying, “I’m Emily.” 

He could see how surprised Julie was at the confirmation that, yes, the song he wrote 25 years ago was indeed about his mom and not a crush, as she had previously insinuated. 

“Then I think your son may have written this song for you.” Julie said, before handing the folded-up paper over to a shaken Emily.

Luke watched on nervously as his mother, tears glistening in her eyes, with labored breath began silently reading. Reading words he had etched into his mind long ago, that he would likely never forget. Before he could convince himself against it, Luke, taken back to the last words he had said to his mother, began to sing... 

_First things first_

_We start the scene in reverse_

_All of the lines rehearsed_

_Disappeared from my mind_

Luke had just walked in the door after school, very much looking forward to band rehearsal with the guys later, when he caught a whiff of his mother’s famous Christmas apple pie. Dropping his backpack on one of the living room chairs, Luke made his way to the kitchen to greet his mother and sneak a bite of her delicious pie. 

"Hey mom. It smells great in here." Luke said, giving his mom a side hug and peck to the temple, before going to stand against the cabinets behind her to watch her work. 

"Hi, sweetie. How was school? Are you interested in helping me with some of this baking?" 

Luke knew he should choose his next words carefully. Although things seemed cheerful on the surface, he knew better, his answer likely to lead to another fight with his mother about his music and his future. 

"It was fine." He said, sighing deeply before continuing. “Well, I’d love to mom, but I’ve got rehearsal with the guy’s at 4.” 

The moment his mother’s hands stopped stirring the batter and the muscles in her shoulders seemed to tense, Luke knew when she turned around things were about to get loud and heated words were about to be thrown. 

“Luke...it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow.” Emily huffed, wringing her hands in her apron before gently taking it off and setting it on the counter. “You haven’t taken time to just stay home and relax with your family in weeks. You’re always focused on and running around for this band. You are going to stay here for once, helping me bake and your father finish decorating for Christmas.”

Luke knew he should hold his tongue and stop before things got worse. However, the way his mom ragged on him and his music, though likely out of love, was just too much for Luke to take. This, as it turns out, was the last straw and he was done with all of it. He made his way back into the living room to grab his things and head to Bobby's, trying to tune out his mother’s critiques. Unfortunately, for him, she wasn't done with their conversation and followed him as he packed to leave. 

"No," countered Luke in response to his mother’s ultimatums. His voice was getting louder and tensions were running high, making Luke glad that his dad was still at work and wasn't around to witness the train wreck that was crashing through the living room at that very moment.

"How dare you talk to me like that." Emily shouted, exasperated. "I'm tired of it."

His mother just didn't get what the band meant to Luke and the more she tried to pull him away from it, the more she was actually pushing him away. 

"It’s just practice with the band," Luke offered his mother, in an attempt to downsize the severity of the situation and get her off his back a bit. "You don’t get it."

That just angered his stressed and exhausted mother even more, things were at their boiling point, and Luke was itching to make his escape from the house while he still could. 

"I want you home," Emily desperately pleaded, "and this is Christmas. And you're going to stay…"

_When things got loud_

_One of us running out_

_I should have turned around_

_But I had too much pride_

Luke was halfway out the door before his mother could finish her sentence. He proceeded to grab his bike, and his guitar, taking off into the night before he had the chance to change his mind or his mother could catch up to him. 

_No time for goodbyes_

_Didn't get to_ _apologize_

_Pieces of a clock that lies broken_

It had been a week since Luke had run out on his mother after their most explosive argument to date. Christmas and New Years had been the hardest, as Luke had crashed in the studio alone throughout both, the boys celebrating with their respective families, putting their own familial issues aside, if only for the holidays.

Before leaving home and dropping out Luke had been a good student, academically speaking, but when it came to his attendance record and attitude issues his results were less than stellar. His school week was regularly filled with classes skipped and whole school days ignored, in favor of going down to the local pier to play guitar for passersby and write songs for the band. This became the norm especially when he had fights with his parents or when he found his classes to be boring, deciding he could be more productive elsewhere. Many of the fights with his mom had been about all the calls she got from the school saying he had skipped or just not shown up at all. Since forgoing the rest of his junior year, Luke’s days were spent in the studio brainstorming new songs and planning the band’s next moves, as they attempted to make their presence known in the local music scene. 

All the new time alone in the studio was great for a while, but there came a time when, as the first signs of spring began sprouting in the garden outside, Luke had begun to reflect on what had transpired months previously. If Luke was being honest with himself, he had immediately regretted his words and actions that day and had desperately wanted to turn back and apologize to his parents, his mother especially. However, pride is a powerful emotion and Luke's pride, steadfast in those important moments, was not willing to back down. Now, sitting in the studio one early Spring morning, Luke had finally made his decision. While he wasn’t going to return home with his tail between his legs and beg for forgiveness, he was going to the next best thing; write his mother a song that expressed everything he had bottled up inside and what he wished he could say to her. 

_If I could take us back_

_If I could just do that_

_And write in every empty space_

_The words I love you in replace_

_And every time would not erase me_

_If you could only know_

_I never let you go_

_And the words I most regret_

_Are the ones I never meant to leave_

_Unsaid Emily_

Luke spent many of the following days tediously writing and rewriting the lyrics, trying to make sure all he needed to say was spilled onto the page, however, Luke knew these wouldn’t be the last changes he would make, not by a longshot. As he wrote, the boys would occasionally drop by to see how Luke was doing, wanting to see this new song of his, and spent what time they could spare just hanging out so he wouldn’t feel so alone all day. The sentiment was nice, of course, but their presence could never quite fill the empty space left in Luke’s heart where his mother and her love had once resided. 

It was Luke’s hope with writing this song that had come to be known by the title “Unsaid Emily”, he and the band could soon perform it for the first time publicly at one of their next gigs. Although Luke knew his mom would likely never hear the song he had written just for her, performing it in front of an audience would likely be cathartic and would offer him the chance to let all the pent up emotions he held inside finally go free. Luke looked forward to having the chance to include “Unsaid Emily” on the Sunset Curve’s debut album one day soon, that is if they ever became big enough to get signed and record one. Then, maybe his mother would finally see that all his hard work had been worth it and she’d finally hear all the things he wished he had said to her that fateful day. 

There had been many rough days over the course of writing “Unsaid Emily”, when Luke hit a roadblock with the lyrics or melody, and usually he found doing something outside of music with the band tended to help. However, something about this bout of writer’s block was different and simply hanging with the guys wasn’t enough to break him out of the slump. Early one evening, tired of sitting in the studio alone, Luke inexplicably found himself in the bushes outside the front of his family’s home. He wasn’t quite sure why he had come back, given what had happened at Christmas, all the while knowing how much it would pain him to see his parents again. His mother and father, both somber in appearance and movement, looked to be settling down for the night as they moved about the living room.

He had assumed his parents would have been sad about his absence for a while, but with time they could’ve moved on with their lives, free of the stress and drama that came with him in their life. Now though, lingering here in the bushes, he was beginning to realize things were not as simple as he had previously thought. Luke had seen the posters scattered across town, of course, plastered in places he frequented. ‘ **MISSING PERSON...LUKE PATTERSON...AGE:17...HEIGHT: ABOUT 5’8”...IF YOU HAVE SEEN LUKE PLEASE CALL** ’ they had said, complete with a picture he vaguely recalled posing for alongside his parents during the family’s Thanksgiving celebration with relatives only last year. That photo had been taken during one of the last truly happy days Luke had spent with his parents, just being a family, without all the bickering and tension in the air. He had been shocked upon first seeing the poster, the truth that his parents were looking for him and wanted him home staring him in the face. He had believed himself to be too much of a burden in their lives, but still they had gone to such lengths to get word of his whereabouts and let him know they were thinking about him. 

A silent gasp escaped Luke, drawing him back to the present, as he watched his mother pick up and hold tightly to her body, what he assumed was a picture of himself before making her way slowly to the window. He quickly ducked down behind the bush, fearing she would notice him there, as he waited for her to retreat to her room for the night. Peering over the leaves, Luke noticed his mother had not moved and with a tear streaked face she seemed to be looking at or for something in his direction. He didn’t believe she had seen him as no alarm had been raised to his father that their son was back and hiding in their bushes at that very moment. She seemed to be lost in thought, likely thinking of Luke and wondering where he was at that moment and how he was doing. 

A voice inside Luke told him to put his pride aside and go ring the doorbell finally ending the dragged out fight between him and his mother, but an even larger part of him, fueled by the stubbornness he had gotten from her, rooted him in that spot and would not let him give in so easily. As the fight raged on inside his head, Luke found himself shaking and crying softly for the scared boy inside himself that had made so many mistakes and just wanted his mom to hold him tight and tell him everything would be okay. Distracted by his thoughts, Luke had almost failed to notice his father approach his mother and whisper something to her, hands gently placed on her shoulders as he guided his wife away from the window and the sorrow she had felt staring out of it.

_Silent days_

_Mysteries and mistakes_

_Who'd be the first to break_

_Guess we're alike that way_

_He said, she said_

_Conversations in my head_

_And that's just where they're gonna stay forever_

Coming back home had affected Luke more than he thought possible, his heart breaking further as he watched his mother longingly wait for her son to come home. As he watched his parents turn their backs and head to bed, turning the lights off as they went, Luke could feel the guilt eating away at him. It was a feeling he knew all too well since running out on his mother months ago, however, tonight’s turn of events had raised it to a whole new level. Turning to head back to the dark, lonely studio, Luke thought only of his mother and the hurt he had caused her in his determination to see his dream become a reality, no matter what relationships he ruined in the process. 

_If I could take us back_

_If I could just do that_

Over the following weeks, Luke eventually allowed Alex, Reggie, and Bobby to see what he had been working on so secretly the past few months. The boys had unanimously decided if this song was important to Luke, then it was important to them too and they’d gladly help him make his dream of performing it on stage a reality. When they’d finish practicing the rest of their songs each rehearsal, there would always be a subtle shift in the atmosphere of the studio as the boys prepared themselves to play a song so personal and different from the songs they had made a small name for themselves playing. 

_And write in every empty space_

_The words I love you in replace_

_Then maybe time would not erase me_

“Hey, guys?” Luke said as the rest of the band moved about the studio preparing to get back to rehearsing after taking a small break. Their focus instantly turned to him as he got up the nerve to continue. 

“I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me and your willingness to all verge into a new music genre none of us are quite used to, all for my sake. All these months you three have kept me going when I didn’t think I would be able to go on. You’re my family and I just love you guys so much.” Luke finished, his hands extended out and tears in his eyes. 

The boys, already tearing up themselves, not that they’d ever admit to it, all made their way across the room to Luke, enveloping him in a big group hug. Luke’s love language had always been touch and he wasn’t afraid to show his love to the band, his family, through frequent calming touches to the back or holding their hand when any of them were going through rough spots at home. Hugs, his favorite type of touch, were reserved for when the group just needed to say nothing and hold each other for a bit. Enveloped in this group hug Luke realized he wasn’t truly alone anymore, that his band loved him too and was by his side through it all, the good and bad. After what felt like eternity, the band separated and took their respective places, ready to give the rehearsal their very best. 

_If you could only know_

_I never let you go_

_And the words I most regret_

_Are the ones I never meant to leave_

_Unsaid Emily_

It was early April, after a string of amazing gigs, when Sunset Curve was approached by a concert promoter who had been to a few of their local shows and was interested in putting together a tour for them. He believed that despite their small following and lack of major music industry experience their tour would be a success and would get Sunset Curve on the radar of important people in the industry, people they’d likely never get noticed by otherwise. After much discussion, deals were made and Sunset Curve was set to have an amazing Summer 1995 tour soon under their belts. Although the tour would be small and only at a handful of venues in Central and Southern California, the boys were hyped to even get a tour and would play their hearts out at each and every show.

Over the next two and a half months, Sunset Curve played their way across much of California, gaining experience and making memories they’d cherish forever. It was now the night of their last show, the tour seeming to be over in the blink of an eye, and the boys were reveling in the adrenaline each performance gave them as they prepared to go out there one more time. They left the stage later in the night to roaring applause, making their way back to the green room before packing up to leave and go back to their everyday lives, which paled in comparison to their lives on tour. Getting back home and being able to relax was readily welcomed by Luke after such a whirlwind few months. Upon entering the studio, however, he noticed the telltale signs of guilt and sorrow creeping up in his heart as he took in his stark reality. He had hoped going on tour would allow him to leave it all behind, but the feelings were ingrained in him and he carried them with him everywhere he went. 

Not long after ending their summer tour, Sunset Curve, through the notoriety from the tour and sheer hard work calling in any favors they had, were able to book a gig performing at The Orpheum. Luke and the guys had dreamed about playing The Orpheum ever since becoming a band and now their dream was coming true. All their hard work was turning out to have been worth it and Luke couldn’t help but think about his mother, what her reaction would be to seeing her son doing what he loved and making a name for himself along the way. During their rehearsals in the studio leading up to The Orpheum show, Luke let the band know he had made a tough decision and if it was still alright by them, he wanted to perform “Unsaid Emily” acoustically at the end of the set. It was time and the cathartic experience of performing it live for the first time was what really mattered. With their set list locked and nerves fluttering, Sunset Curve was ready to take on their biggest venue to date and knock everyone’s socks off. 

It was July 22, a Saturday, and the boys were only two hours away from the performance of their lives as they finished up their last sound check to the sounds of an empty Orpheum. They had rocked it and Luke could feel the adrenaline coursing through his body as the final note rang out into the empty space where a hyped crow ready to see Sunset Curve live would soon be. Scattered applause from Orpheum staff could be heard and one worker in particular, a girl about Luke’s age, seemed to be the most pumped about how their performance had just gone. Reggie, hearing her energetic reaction, of course made sure to give his routine ‘tell your friends’ spiel as word-of-mouth would always be beneficial to the band no matter how large they might become.

“Too bad we wasted the tightest we’ve ever played on sound check.” Bobby, the band’s rhythm guitarist remarked, elbow bumping Luke on a job well done. 

“Wait until tonight, man, when this place gets packed with record execs.” Luke exclaimed, an excited bounce in his step as he turned and gazed back out across the room, imagining all the faces that would soon be looking back at him and connecting with his music. 

“Alex, you were smoking.” Reggie, their bassist, offered to an energetic Alex. 

“Oh no. I was just warming up. You guys were the ones on fire.” 

“Could you just own your awesomeness for once?” Pleaded Reggie, as Luke and Bobby waited patiently for their drummer to come to terms with just how amazing he really was. 

“All right, I was killing it.” Alex finally admitted, earning a round of laughs from his band mates and some of Luke’s signature reassuring shoulder squeezes, before Reggie pulled him in for a bro hug. 

It was at that moment Luke remembered he had skipped lunch earlier in the day, his stomach growling in protest. He knew of the perfect thing to fill him up and prepare him for the show ahead. 

“Okay, well, I’m thinking we fuel up before the show.” Luke offered up to the rest of the band. “I’m thinking street dogs.” 

Alex and Reggie excitedly accepted. Bobby, however, didn’t respond, confusing Luke. The teenager seemingly distracted by something across the room. 

“Hey, Bobby, where you going?” 

“I’m good.” Bobby, the band’s “vegetarian’”, declared as he hopped off the stage and made his way over towards the bar. Luke could only assume it was to flirt with the girl who had cheered so loudly earlier, as Bobby was known to be the biggest flirt in the group, a title hard to hold onto for long given his and Reggie’s extensive dating histories. 

“Vegetarian. I could never hurt an animal.” Bobby clarified, approaching the bar area with the rest of the boys in tow, doing his best to appeal to the cute server girl with his softer side. 

“You guys are really good.” Confessed the server. 

“Thank you.” Luke proudly replied.

“I see a lot of bands. Been in a couple myself. I was really feeling it.” 

“That’s what we do this for.” The sincerity in her voice delighting Luke as he got around to introducing himself formally. “I’m Luke, by the way.” 

The rest of the boys following suit. 

“Hi, I’m Reggie.”

“Alex.”

“Bobby.” The rhythm guitarist uttered, shoving Luke out of the way to be in front, earning him a wet willie in retaliation. 

“Nice meeting you guys. I’m Rose.” 

“Oh, uh, here’s our demo.” Reggie piped up, offering Sunset Curve’s newly recorded demo to Rose. “And a t-shirt. Size beautiful.” 

Alex, groaning at Reggie’s not so subtle flirting techniques. Rose laughed, holding the shirt up to her body, before responding. 

“Thanks,” replied Rose, throwing the shirt over her shoulder, “I’ll make sure not to wipe the tables down with this one.” 

“Oh, good call. Whenever they get wet, they just kinda fall apart in your hands.” Admitted Alex, a flicker of trauma crossing his face as he looked to his hands. 

“Don’t you guys have to go get hot dogs?” Bobby inquired, likely in an attempt to get alone time with Rose. 

“Yeah...he had a hamburger for lunch.” Countered Luke, a last ditch attempt to derail Bobby’s flirting, as the rest of the band went to grab their things and head out. 

Luke felt exhilarated as the trio emerged from the Orpheum and into its filthy, desolate back alley. 

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Luke remarked excitedly, receiving a chuckle from Reggie in response. 

“The smell of Sunset Boulevard?” Proposed Alex, after catching a whiff of the alley’s signature nasty odor. 

“No,” Luke replied, lightly punching Alex as he continued down the alley. “It’s what that girl said in there tonight. About our music, all right? It’s like an energy. It connects us with people. They can feel us when we play. I want that connection with everybody.”

“Then we’re gonna need more t-shirts.” Said Reggie in all seriousness, Luke and Alex snickering at the comment. 

“Let’s go boys.” Added Luke, the sound of other voices getting louder as they neared the main drag. Alex and Luke immediately commencing incognito mode, as to avoid being recognized, all the while Reggie was approaching two girls in line for their very concert, offering up their leftover t-shirts. Squeals erupting from said girls when they realized who they had just interacted with. 

Making their way across the street and into yet another alley, Luke caught a glimpse of their destination. _Sam & Ella’s Dogs _. Despite the grimy setting and questionable food handling practices, the three boys would always be up for street dogs, especially leading up to the biggest show the band had ever played. After greeting Sam and dressing their dogs with condiments from the back of the Oldsmobile, the boys chose a semi-inhabitable couch as the perfect place to put up their feet and dig into their meal. Luke had of course noticed one of his missing posters plastered on the wall behind the couch among a sea of other flyers as the boys took their seats, however, he had grown used to seeing them around the city and he wouldn’t let it get to him when he had bigger things to think about tonight. 

“This is awesome, you guys. We’re playing the Orpheum tonight. I can’t even count how many bands have played here and then ended up being huge.” Luke remarked, gazing around the unassuming alley before his eyes landed on Reggie and Alex, both of whom were engrossed in his words and laughing as he became more animated.

“We’re gonna be legends!” Luke added, raising his street dog up to toast the band’s success, Alex and Reggie doing the same before he continued. “Eat up, boys. ‘Cause after tonight, everything changes.” 

Luke could tell something was off about the taste of his street dog after the first bite. Alex appeared to have sensed something off as well, his eyebrows knitting together as he studied the so-called “food” in his hand. 

“That’s a new flavor.” 

“Chill man.” Reggie, ever the optimist, added to dispel any worries Luke and Alex might have. “Street dogs haven’t killed us yet.” 

In silent agreement, all three boys proceeded to continue enjoying their dogs, disregarding any reservations they might have had about the questionable meat moments before. 

Luke can’t be completely sure what happened next, as his mind was starting to get foggy, but he’s sure that one moment he was nauseous and scared, but alive, and the next everything was dark and he was alone. He remembers feeling fine for a few moments, that is until the burning in his throat started, he couldn’t see his brothers beside him as his vision flickered, and worst of all, his throat closed up and the lack of oxygen to his brain caused him to lose consciousness. The next thing he remembers clearly is waking up alone somewhere dark, calling and reaching out for either Alex or Reggie and finding no one there. 

It was later, after Luke had cried and continued to call out for the boys, that he suddenly heard a voice call out his and Reggie’s names in the dark. Alex! Luke was no longer scared and alone, yes, but Alex’s arrival also meant that he was not the street dog’s only victim. Alex had suffered the same fate and Luke couldn’t stomach the idea that Reggie was now alone and scared, suffering as they had, while believing he would never see his brothers again. 

“Alex?” Luke choked out, spinning around in the dark attempting to find what direction Alex’s voice had come from. “Dude, where are you? I can’t see you.”

“Luke. Is that you?” Alex responded, the anxiousness evident in his voice as Luke began moving towards where he presumed Alex to be. 

Inching forward and moving his hands all around the empty space in front of him, Luke’s hands eventually landed on something soft and he knew, even without his sight, he had found Alex. Gripping Alex’s sleeve he quickly pulled the drummer into a tight hug, happy to have finally found him, tightening the hug when he heard and felt Alex begin to break down. Luke pulled back from the hug, only to move his hands up to cup Alex’s face and wipe away the tears letting him know he had him and he was gonna be okay.

“I got you Alex. I’m here.” Luke reassured him, knowing Alex’s anxiety was likely at extreme levels given the circumstances. Slowly, Alex’s sniffles quieted down and he spoke. 

“Reggie...is he here Luke?” Asked Alex, evidently as concerned about the bassist’s whereabouts as Luke was.

“I don’t know man. After all the pain stopped I woke up here alone and you’re the first person I’ve seen...well, touched.” The events of the night finally catching up with Luke as he started to comprehend how totally terrible their situation really was.

“I was so scared when you started clawing at your throat and looking around like you couldn’t see us right next to you. The last thing I remember before the same thing happened to me was Reggie screaming our names as someone nearby called 911.” Alex whispered, like he was scared that if he said the words aloud it would happen all over again. 

“He must be so scared Alex. He doesn’t do well alone or in the dark.” Luke was panicking now, dreading all the possible things that could be currently happening to Reggie. “Why hasn’t he shown up here too?” 

Suddenly, Luke heard something that made his heart, if still beating, momentarily stop. His name. Then immediately after, Alex’s.

“Luke! Alex! Oh, no, where are you guys?” Alex froze in Luke’s grip as they both heard a panicked voice they thought they’d never hear again. “It’s so dark. Please, if you two are out there, answer me!”

“Reg!” Called Luke excitedly. “We’re here dude. Follow our voices.” 

A shuffling sound and someone heavily breathing could be heard getting closer, before Luke felt the full force of Reggie’s body slam into his, enveloping him in a long overdue hug. His grip tightened around Reggie immediately, as he was overjoyed to have his brother, both of them, actually by his side again. Alex promptly joined in the hug, sandwiching Reggie between the two boys, trying his best to surround the now crying teen and communicate to him that he wasn’t alone anymore, and he never would be again. 

“I thought I was all alone in that alley.” Reggie cried, a sob racking his body. “I had to watch both of you crying out in pain and there was nothing I could do to help. When you went still Luke, I thought things were over, but then Alex stopped moving too and I knew I was not far behind.” 

Luke was angry, mostly at himself, hearing that Reggie’s last minutes had been as bad as he had worried they’d be, worse in fact. He’d watched his band mates, his brothers, die in front of him and had been alone as he took his last breaths in a dirty alley, surrounded by strangers. The trio momentarily released each other, moving to sit down in a tight circle, resigned to the fact they weren’t going anywhere anytime soon and might as well make themselves at home. Reggie reached for their hands, needing the calming physical contact back, before he continued.

“Before I faded completely, as I lay in the alley looking up at the stars, I remember hearing an ambulance. I think they put me in it and there were voices asking me questions. But you know what the funniest part is?” Reggie admitted, a hesitant laugh escaping him. “The only thing on my mind, at that moment, was my siblings. What is gonna happen to them now, stuck in that house with our parents?”

Luke and Alex knew all too well the infuriating, almost unbearable stuff Reggie had to put up with at home due to his parents. He’d have left long ago, if not for his little brother and sister, who he’d never abandon in a house where the adults care more about yelling at each other than tending to their children. Whenever things got really bad, which was often, Reggie had once told the boys that he’d find the quietest place in the house and watch movies with his siblings, distracting them as best as he could, until they fell asleep. 

“I was dying painfully in a disgusting alley and instead of thinking about myself, I thought only of Emmie and Hunter. What kind of brother goes and dies, from such a stupid decision, leaving his siblings alone?”

“The kind of brother who loves them unconditionally.” Luke argued, attempting to make Reggie see reason. “A brother who always made sure their needs were met, whether it was by making their favorite foods or helping them with their homework each night.” 

“Luke’s right, Reggie.” Alex added, no doubt thinking about his little sister, Chloe, and how she would now be left alone with their parents in a very suffocating home environment. “They loved you and I doubt they’d want you to be doing this to yourself over something that wasn’t your fault, no matter how stupid of a decision you think you made.” 

Luke felt Reggie lightly squeeze his hand, a wordless expression of his love and appreciation. It was a sentiment Luke gladly reciprocated before doing the same to Alex, recognizing that the drummer was undoubtedly caught up in a vicious cycle of anxious thoughts and desperately needed reassurance that his brothers were there for him. Alex, pulled from his thoughts, squeezed back even harder and though none of the boys could see each other, Luke knew Alex was warmly looking right at him. Luke understood he needed to take charge of their situation and figure out exactly where they had ended up after they…they died.

“Hey, guys.” Luke began, uncertainty in his tone, catching Alex and Reggie’s attention. “So, while I know this isn’t an ideal situation, we need to stay calm and try to figure out what our next move is.” 

“Our next move?” Inquired Reggie. 

“Yeah.” Luke was utterly in over his head as he attempted to keep the trio together and seem like he had things under control. “Like what we are gonna do to find a way out of this place.” 

He knew there was no use in searching blindly around an endless room on a wild-goose chase, but Luke was desperate, and the idea of sitting still any longer was making him restless. To Luke’s surprise, Alex spoke first, in the most intensely serious tone he’d ever heard from the normally more reserved drummer. 

“Just stop it, Luke.” Alex snapped. “We’re dead. We’re stuck in a pitch-black room with no known escape. I know you want to be able to solve this problem, but some problems have no solution and you need to learn to accept that.”

The intensity of Alex’s voice inadvertently caused an already shaken Reggie to shrink back and let out a quiet squeak, the memories of his parents fighting rushing to the surface and his body acting on instinct. Upon seeing Reggie’s reaction, Alex muttered a quick apology to him and moved closer to offer a hug. Reggie gratefully accepted the hug and even motioned for Luke to join in, as they all desperately needed the physical contact. 

“Alex,” stuttered Luke, pulling back out of the hug, shocked over Alex’s sudden outburst, “I’m sorry for being so oblivious. The truth is, I’m desperate and scared. I have no clue what to do. It’s my fault that we’re dead and…”

Luke trailed off, the tears he had been holding back since Alex and Reggie arrived poured out of him. His body curled inward as he tried to make himself look as small as possible, a habit from childhood it seems he had never outgrown. The guilt was building up inside, the blame solely on Luke for he was the one who had adamantly suggested street dogs before such an important show. Sunset Curve was gonna make it big and the boys were gonna be legends, but Luke had gone and taken that dream away from Alex and Reggie, along with their lives. 

Amid his breakdown, Alex and Reggie had made their way closer to Luke and sandwiched him in a hug, as he and Alex had done for Reggie minutes before. Nothing was said at first, only the sound of the boys breathing could be heard, that is until Luke heard something that made him crack a smile and let out an embarrassing snort. It was the unmistakable opening lyrics of a song he had tried his best to avoid when he was still alive, but was now being subject to facing head on in death. Reggie’s pride and joy…“Home Is Where My Horse Is”. 

_Home_

_What is it really?_

_Sometimes it’s someone and not a place_

_It’s that feelin’ of being safe_

_It’s about who you’re with_

_At the end of the day_

As he sat there, listening to Reggie and weirdly enough, Alex, singing the song, Luke realized something. He had always assumed the song was just Reggie’s quirky attempt at writing a country song, which it was, but it was also an expression of where and whom he called home. The horse had never really stood for an actual horse, but rather it represented Luke and Alex, the people Reggie considered his family, his home, more than he ever would the house he had grown up in. Singing in this god forsaken place, in particular this song, was Reggie’s way of expressing his love for his band mates, his brothers. It turned out the song was perfect for cheering up and distracting an emotional Luke, something Reggie took pride in, as it was his turn to be strong for the group and allow the others a moment of emotional vulnerability and freedom as they had done for him so many times before. Luke, now calmer and more relaxed, leaned into Reggie and just listened.

_(and for me)_

_Home is where my horse is_

_Ridin’ through the trees by the river_

_Feel that summer breeze_

_Smile gettin’ bigger_

_Home is where my horse is..._

Letting the deep vibrations he felt from Reggie ground him, Luke reached for the hand of a now silent Alex and let his mind drift off. The last thing he heard was a deep, content sigh from Reggie as he finished his song and tightened his hold on the two of the very few people he truly loved most in life and in death. 

...Suddenly, everything changed and he was somewhere new. This new memory could not have been his own, as Luke had gone nowhere except the dark place after he died, but in some cruel twist of fate he now stood watching his parents right before the worst moment of their lives... 

It had been just another average day in late July for Mitch and Emily Patterson, their early evening now spent reading and knitting beside each other in the den. The tranquil atmosphere in the room suddenly pierced by red and blue light, pulling the couple from their tasks, the sound of sirens and doors being slammed shut outside further emphasizing something was wrong. Bathed in the police lights, the reality of the situation began to dawn on the Patterson’s. Call it what you will, but through some sort of motherly instinct Emily knew why the police were approaching their door and Mitch could only logically have come to the same conclusion. The police would not have come to their home for any other reason, except to give them the news. Their only child, Luke, was gone forever and the last words Emily had said to him were filled with anger, instead of love. She collapsed in her husband’s arms in anguish, a wail tore from her lungs, as Mitch mumbled desperate words of denial refusing to really accept the truth for what it was. 

_If I could take us back_

_If I could just do that_

_And write in every empty space_

_The words I love you in replace_

_Then maybe time would not erase me_

...Lyrics flowed out of Luke, heartache lacing his words, as he sang for his mother and for all they had both lost that day. The sight of his parents, as their world crumbled down around them, almost brought Luke to his knees. Instead of breaking him down, it only spurred him on...

_If you could only know_

_I never let you go_

_And the words I most regret_

_Are the ones I never meant to leave_

_Unsaid Emily_

The sounds of a fourth person silently crying pulled Luke from his trance and he was once again standing behind Julie, the melody of his song still hung in the air, as his parents finished reading his last words to them. Through tears and trembling breath he waited, a new sense of hope filling him. His mother tearfully spoke first as she held the song close to her body, addressing Julie, a bittersweet smile on her face.

“Thank you.”

“Um...You...You have no idea...” His father managed to utter weakly, any other words suddenly eluding him in his current state. Luke’s heart broke each time his eyes landed on his mother and he watched his father hold her a little bit tighter, offering comfort through touch, something that he desperately missed at times like these. 

“I write music in the same room that he did, and I can tell you that it is a magical, happy place.” Offered Julie, in an attempt to provide a comforting thought. 

Her way of letting his parents know the place where he had spent so much time alone, had not remained cold and lonely after he died. Instead, it had become a place where she and her mother had made so many happy memories and where they had done the very thing Luke was so passionate about in life, write music. 

“That’s so nice to know.” Responded his father, clutching his wife’s hand as they learned that Luke had made such a lasting impact on Julie’s life, even in death.

“I know he was only 17 when he…” Julie’s words trailing off, as she stopped herself from causing Luke’s parents any more unnecessary heartache. “But he lived doing the one thing he was born to do. Not many people find that, but Luke did. He was lucky.” 

The power of Julie’s words and the heaviness of reliving his biggest mistake and untimely death had taken so much out of Luke. His walls were collapsing under the weight, leaving nothing to stop the flood of emotion that had been threatening to spill over. As the tears began to fall and his breaths grew unsteady, Luke recognized that he needed to leave now. If he stayed any longer, he would undoubtedly go over a ledge from which there was no return. Poofing out his family home, leaving Julie and his parents to continue talking without him, Luke went to the first place that crossed his mind. The Molina’s porch. 

Luke was deep in thought, absentmindedly toying with the lucky blue rabbit's foot keychain on his belt, a memento of a truly happy time in his life, when Julie came walking up the path. Pushing off the house’s support column, Luke turned to give Julie his full attention.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” The pair greeting each other normally, like they hadn’t just shared such an emotionally-charged experience with each other.

“I’m sorry for overstepping.” Apologized Julie, believing that she had overstepped the boundaries between her and Luke by going to his family home. 

“No, I…I just had to leave. That was…” Luke asserted, hoping Julie would see she was not the reason for his hasty exit.

“You don’t have to say anything.” 

“Yeah, I do, Uh…” Replied Luke, taking a pause to make sure his next words were clear and concise. “I didn’t have many regrets in my life except for running out on my parents. Especially my mom, so…thank you.”

All the guilt had been building up inside Luke starting the moment he ran away from his mother, his home, and with his death he thought he’d never be able to apologize to her and let some of the guilt go. But then Julie happened. The boys had landed, quite literally, in her life at a time when all four of them were at their lowest of lows and needed something big to bring light back into their lives. Through meeting Julie, they had helped her get music back in her life and she in return had helped the boys play music in front of people again. In such a short period of time, they had become a band, a family. Then Julie had shocked Luke by showing up at his parent’s house with ‘Unsaid Emily’, the very thing that could help him finally apologize to his mom, allowing him to shed some of the self-blame off his tired shoulders. 

“You helped me feel more connected to my mom, so…” Julie remarked. “I wanted to do the same thing for you.”

“That was perfect.” Added Luke, his focus completely on Julie in an effort to let her know the seriousness behind his words. 

Without a second thought, Luke moved a bit closer to Julie and reached his hand out seeking hers. She too, caught up in the moment, didn’t think twice about it and reached for Luke’s waiting hand. To no one’s surprise, they both watched as Julie’s hand passed through Luke’s, the reality of his ghostly form making its presence known once more. Out of likely embarrassment and mild annoyance Julie turned to face the street, letting out a frustrated sigh. 

“This is an interesting little relationship you and I have.” Suggested Luke, turning to face the street, with a smirk and chuckle. 

In the silence that followed, Julie and Luke played a game of cat and mouse. Looking at each other warmly only when the other wasn’t looking, or else the moment would be ruined if they locked eyes and their nerves got the better of them. These were the kind of moments that Luke cherished the most since Sunset Curve had practically barged into Julie’s life mere weeks ago. Moments of pure human, or ghostly, connection he, Alex, and Reggie had been missing out on for the past 25 years. Connections they now found from being around the Molinas, meeting other ghosts like them, or performing their music for people. In these moments it was easy to forget they were no longer among the living, for connecting with people was what made them feel most alive. 

  
  



End file.
